Don't Let Your Struggle Be Your Identity

 

 These were the three words that appeared to me in a jumble of other words and letters.  It was a post on Facebook and thought it was witty.  Just a little activity that makes you feel good about yourself.  Yes, all the words that could be found are positive and uplifting, and at the risk of sounding cliche or cheesy, these words were what I needed at the moment.  I'm betting that's the point.  This Post-It has been on my board since that time I scrolled down Facebook.  Thank you, person that posted it.   

 Make a wish!  

  

   

  My friends and family know I have been an occasional resident of the hospital.  (Wait does that make sense?  Oxymoron?)  I have a history of Small Bowel Obstructions due to a ruptured appendix when I was 12 years old.  Now I am 27 and have been through three major abdominal surgeries with scars to prove it.  They are my battle wounds, although they caused pain, I am proud of them.  Since I continue to live, my body will continue to produce scar tissue within me which causes my organs to get trapped in their webs.  Specifically speaking, my bowels.  I went through 6 years of thinking I was "out of the woods" then one night last year, pain struck.  I found myself in the Emergency Room, once again.  The words, "You have a bowel obstruction." released the flow of tears.  "God, why?  I cannot be going through this again!  I don't want the procedures!"  Then a hint of peace comes over me, "Jeanine you can do it, it won't last forever.  You've been through it before.  You are not alone." (Deuteronomy 31:8)

     As I type, I feel as if I am back in that ER bed with the doctor standing in front of me.  No, I was not alone.  God gave me someone who waited the long hours with me, family praying, and parents who, in the middle of the night drove 3 hours to be by my side.  If that's not God's goodness, I don't know what is.  

     Then 2 weeks ago, I felt the all too familiar pain...again.  I just came back from the gym and had a protein shake!  All good things for my body!  I slept off the pain but I couldn't hide from my concerned parents.  For the past 2 weeks I was the occasional resident on the 3rd floor.  Nurses, doctors, and phlebotomists knew me!  I had pizza parties in my room!  I could not eat anything, I just asked to smell the food.  Talk about self-control...or self-torture.  It's all good to me!  No pain no gain...ha ha ha. 

One breath, another wish!

 
 With age comes wisdom.  With experience comes discernment.  With God all things are possible.
There were dark moments, literally.  I was alone in the room(s), taking CT scans, X-Rays, getting poked, laying on exam tables, going to sleep.  Even when I was surrounded by loved ones, no one knew my pain- physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I can't even think about what it was doing to my parents.  God was the constant through it all,  He is the only one whose promises did not fail.  I found myself praying this verse:
                                     

 

  
     Man can only do so much.  God can do it all.  The creator of life knows my inner most being.  That's what I held onto then, it is what I hold onto now.  There is no cure for what I have.  I can watch what I eat, I can be a fitness guru, I can do everything to de-stress, I can lay in a hammock all my life and these adhesions (scar tissue) can pinch a bowel at anytime.  If it happens, it happens.  My trust does not lie in the universe and it's forces, it stands on the One who created the universe and who can change it's forces.  He controls everything and works everything for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.  (Romans 8:28)

     There is now a joke about my situation, when it happens..."It's sh**ty."  If you hang out with me long enough you'll be able to come up with your own puns!  You might be thinking, "Why would she make fun of herself?"  Why not?!  Here's a secret: It's okay to laugh, especially if you can about yourself.  I'm in the midst of teaching myself to do that. 

     Hope in the things unseen. (Hebrews 11:1).  Someone helped me realize there is no reason to rush anything.  This world is full of pressures, and with that burdens arise.  She helped me see that I have so many blessings and choices at my door.  But instead of using it as a tool to focus in on a passion of mine, I allowed it to stress me out.  It still does at times, but I am slowly circling in on a vision I have in my heart and mind.  I do not need to know everything or have my ducks in a row.  I am not immune.  We are not immune.  

     For the longest time I thought, "If I could only do this, accomplish this, experience that, save up to buy this, hold onto that...I will have a good life."  It is at that moment, God steps in and does something to shake us.  To shake me.  He rearranged my ducks.  He took my shoulders and turned me, allowing me to see a different view.  The view of Him.  I forgot that my life is to serve Him, not merely just being a "good person" and using Him as a safety net, but by consciously living life to help others' shoulders turn.

 
     If you are still reading, thank you!  This is the first time I've been so open about what has shaped me for the past 15 years.  My hope and wish is to be mouthpiece used by God to help anyone going through the same thing I've experienced.  And hopefully learn from those who have endured more than me.  I just want to reach the world.  A simple girl, who wants to do big things.

  Love you guys, 

Jeanine Faith